Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Still Here...

So it has been an intense few weeks. First, the fighting: for some reason at the onset of Thanksgiving my husband and I start fighting pretty much all the time over everything, which is such a drag. I know it's stress, anxiety about his annual December hunting trip, family drama, lack of money, etc., etc. etc. Need I say more? Mid-November till early January is the most stressful time at my home. I just endeavor to muddle through. Regarding my marathon training, I failed miserably and could only get out for a 27 minute walk on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. This of course depressed me. I was really in the headspace of giving up. The whole "I am such a fool, who do I think I am kidding: run a marathon, yeah right" tape was blaring as loud as it could. I survived. I decided to do the 27 minute week again. I had planned on blogging, but then I was overtaken by fear of moving into my new office. Same basic tape was playing in my head with a slightly different refrain: "you are so going to fail." I survived.

Okay, good news. I am writing this blog from my new office and it is looking pretty amazing. The picture is the corner of my desk. I will finish getting the last of my things here tomorrow, before my mother comes for a visit. Nothing like a little motivation from The Mother. The thing that is so cool is that the furniture I bought myself two years when I won a screenwriting award for my short film looks amazing in here. (Anyone who wants to check out my film can go to my FB page: A Blue Uncertain Buzz.) My laptop is perfect, which I also bought about two years ago. Really, I have been working toward this point for awhile. Today I decided I will make a little tour movie of the space when I am completely done: art up and the like.

What I am really liking about this blog, highlighting my marathon goal and my new office space is that the task of changing my life is seeping into me. I want to put in my time for training. And even though, because of the stress, my back is so unhappy and hurting it really feels better mentally, which helps the back when I take the time to do my training. Interestingly, the marathon training also has been a big help in making this change toward my writing. It's the little bites, the creating a habit that is sustainable, the slow build up, all of it that is helping me walk through the fire of my fears. It's a raging inferno in my brain, but nibble, nibble, nibble, I am making it.

Now for the GREAT news. My fanny is getting smaller. Today I am wearing jeans I bought four years ago after I had done a weight loss program. Yeah they fit, comfortably, so even though when I look in the mirror and I see the muffin-top, something is happening. Also I have these skirts—that I bought after I left New York and changed my wardrobe from the requisite black to jeans for the Arizona living (prebaby)—that I can now zip and button, still a little too tight for wearing, but I am getting close. Something is happening. It is the weekly training walk, but I also think it is my tea consumption. I simplified my drink to just peppermint iced tea, which I drink about two quarts a day of. I also eat a very light meal for dinner. And I have started making more food that I really like for myself everyday. I know it seems so simple and it once was when I was single, but the wife/mother mode has really consumed me for the last seven years. It has been almost impossible to take care of myself. I am getting the hang of it now.